Are you seeking expansion and growth or are you contracting your energy and playing small out of fear?
How do you show up in the world? Do you remain in jobs, relationships or other situations out of fear of learning, growth, expansion and starting over?
Or do you take bold and daring leaps in certain areas of your life even when it is uncomfortable for a while as you grow and expand yourself and your Being?
I was listening to a podcast recently by Teal Swan and I really appreciate what she shared on this subject. I’ll try to share as closely as possible from my understanding of what she was sharing.
She gave the example of a sports player who was on a team and he was the top star player. He was the Big Fish in a small pond. It was comfortable there. He had expertise, knowledge, notoriety, fans, etc. He enjoyed life from that vantage point.
There came a time when he had an opportunity to expand his career by joining another team in a higher bracket, however it meant he was not the top star player anymore. He was a small fish in a big pond. It was uncomfortable. He did not know as much as some of the other players and was not well known. He made mistakes that a rookie would make and he felt insecure about himself in his new role. His ego was bruised.
He made the choice to return to the old team where he was the star player which made him feel comfortable once again. This decision was made out of fear of being seen as less-than. Afraid of growth and expansion and fear of the unknown. The growing pains were too uncomfortable.
He also was madly in love with a beautiful woman who was on top of her game. She held a good job, made good money, had respect, dressed well, was empowered and made decisions without hesitation and lived her life in a certain way with self-worth, and self-assurance.
There was also a second woman he had interest in however she was different. She was a people-pleaser, kind caring, didn’t speak up for herself and had lower self-esteem. He was not as interested in her, however she felt safer to be with and so he began dating her. His friends were surprised because they knew he was in love with the first woman.
Eventually he began treating the woman he was dating badly. He began taking advantage of her, talking down to her, using her and ignoring her and spending time on other activities instead of spending time with her which was hurtful and unkind to her.
He made both of these decisions based on fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being seen as smaller and weaker than others. Fear of not fitting into his social status as the big fish being looked up to by others. So, he was actually playing small in order to appear the bigger fish.
He chose comfort instead of the discomfort of growing pains of learning and expanding into a new version of himself. He chose to shrink back where it was safe to so he appeared as the best in his league so to speak.
In what ways do you shrink back out of fear of appearing weak, smaller, less than, or even dumb in your own life because if feels safer than change, growth and expansion and the unknown?
Do you avoid applying for a promotion out of fear that someone else is better than you or you might not even get the promotion and might be judged?
Do you avoid leaving an abusive or toxic relationship out of fear you are not worthy of better, fear of rejection or fear of starting over? Do you avoid speaking up to your current partner in an attempt to heal a relationship out of fear because that is “just how it is”?
Do you avoid joining the gym because you are insecure about your body, not in the shape you prefer or you don’t look like some of the others there and you feel insecure about your body, your ability to use the equipment or lack of strength while others are bench pressing massive amounts of weight.
Do you play small in other relationships and fear speaking up and changing your identity because it is uncomfortable because you have always played a specific role? Maybe in your family you are the youngest, you’ve always been a people-pleaser and peace-keeper. Maybe you don’t step up and assert yourself and others speak down to you or you remain in toxic family dynamics out of fear of change, leaving people you love behind as you heal, grow and expand into your highest version of you.
I have been in each of these situations in my own life. For most of my life I was a people-pleaser, the care-giver of everyone else’s happiness and health. I was the fixer and healer. I did not know how to say no, I was terrified of speaking up for myself and I had no boundaries. I did not ask for what I wanted because I knew out of experience I would experience rejection.
However, there came a time when I began to experience a powerful awakening. I felt a different part of myself rising up inside of me as if it was calling me forward, and I began healing those painful parts of me that were afraid to grow, expand and choose differently. Those parts of me that were afraid to be back at the bottom like the little fish. Although I felt something calling me forward, each time it felt scary and painful in choosing myself and making the decision to heal, grow, expand and choose something greater. It was scary starting over and being the small fish. I experienced fear of the unknown and loss of control. I experienced the pain of rejection. I experienced sorrow and grief for the loss of people and things. I experienced my whole family dynamic and life completely changing into something I never expected. I experienced new relationships that began only to fall apart and it hurt once again. I experienced tremendous grief for the old version of me as I shed those layers while the newer version was emerging. I grieved the expectations I had for my future that I relied on for so many years that were no longer what I could look forward to. My foundation felt unstable, my future felt uncertain and my life felt out of my control.
Although I was experiencing this tremendous upheaval, There was a part of me present during and after that could see things from a different vantage point.
Not All Discomfort Means We Are on the Wrong Path
Discomfort is simply the feeling of doing something unfamiliar.
It is the feeling of stretching beyond what we have known.
It is the feeling of entering a room where we don’t yet know anyone, taking on something we’ve never done before, speaking up when we’ve always stayed quiet, setting a boundary with someone who is used to us saying yes, applying for the job that feels just beyond our current experience, going on that first date, joining the gym when we don’t feel confident in our body, starting the business, creating the art, going back to school, learning something new or allowing ourselves to be seen in a way we haven’t allowed before.
We can feel uncomfortable and still be completely aligned.
In fact, sometimes discomfort is evidence that we are expanding beyond an old version of ourselves.
Think about a child learning to walk.
They don’t stand up, take their first step, wobble and think, “Well, this feels uncomfortable, so I must not be meant to walk.”
They fall.
They get back up.
They try again.
They are learning something their body has never done before.
I recall when my oldest daughter was learning how to walk for that very first time. She fell on her little butt and looked a little nervous as she watched for our reaction. We giggled and laughed and encouraged and cheered her on to keep going and she got right back up each time. She even began to giggle and act silly and repeatedly fell on her little butt on purpose to get us to laugh. I feel tears of joy as I have these memories.
The point is, eventually, what once felt impossible becomes completely natural.
This is what growth can feel like.
It can feel scary, you can feel nervous and even excited and eager all at once.
What If You Don’t Have to Be the Big Fish?
When you enter a new environment, you may not know as much as everyone else. You may make mistakes. Someone may be more experienced than you.
It may feel very uncomfortable.
But what if that’s okay?
What if you don’t have to be the most experienced person in the room in order to belong in the room?
What if being the least experienced person in the room is actually an opportunity?
You get to learn.
You get to ask questions.
You get to develop new skills.
You get to discover parts of yourself that may never have emerged in your previous environment.
You can expand your capacity and you can be your best in the same moment.
Being your best doesn’t mean being better than others from ego.
We all have the same capacity to learn and grow and be “better”.
Where Are You Choosing Familiarity Over Growth?
I invite you to look at your own life—not with judgment, but with curiosity.
Where might you be choosing familiarity because it feels safer than expansion?
Are you staying quiet because speaking your truth might change how someone sees you?
Are you avoiding something new because you might not be good at it right away?
Are you staying in a hurtful or toxic familiar relationship dynamic because you know exactly who you are within it – even though it no longer reflects who you are becoming?
Are you comparing yourself to others and deciding you’re not ready because someone else is further along?
Sometimes we choose situations where we can feel capable and secure because being the beginner brings up feelings of inadequacy or fear.
If you recognize yourself here, there is nothing wrong with you.
There is simply an opportunity to become aware of the choice.
Growth Doesn’t Require You to Prove Your Worth
Expansion isn’t about proving that we are better than someone else.
It isn’t about winning, achieving more or becoming the biggest person in the room.
Your worth doesn’t increase because you become more successful.
Your worth was never dependent upon where you stood in the pond.
Expansion is about becoming more fully expressed even through the fear and self-doubt.
It is about discovering what is possible when you allow yourself to learn, experience, create, explore and become.
Sometimes that means being willing to be a beginner.
To become curious.
To not know.
To make mistakes.
To receive feedback.
To let someone else be better at something than you are.
To allow yourself room to grow.
What If Discomfort Is an Invitation?
The next time you feel uncomfortable doing something new, instead of immediately asking:
“How do I get rid of this feeling?” or “What is wrong with me?”
Try asking:
“What is this feeling showing me?”
“Am I actually unsafe—or am I simply unfamiliar with this?”
“Am I being guided away from something, or am I being invited to expand toward a greater version of me?”
“Who could I become if I stopped needing to appear capable all the time?”
You don’t have to already be the person who knows how to do something in order to become that person.
You can begin before you feel ready.
You can learn as you go.
You can grow.
You can change.
You can expand.
And, you can choose.
Expansion Is Part of Becoming
As extensions of Source Energy—Spirit, God, Universe, Infinite Intelligence, or whatever name feels right to you—we are constantly becoming.
Our desires change.
Our interests evolve.
Our understanding deepens.
Our dreams grow.
The version of you who wants something today may not be the same version of you who receives it.
This is why alignment and embodiment are so important to me.
When we discover a new desire, we aren’t simply trying to make something outside of ourselves appear.
We are also discovering who we become in the process of experiencing it.
Perhaps your desire is calling you to become more confident, authentic, courageous, creative, visible, loving or self-trusting.
Perhaps the discomfort isn’t a sign to turn around.
Perhaps it is the sensation of your life expanding beyond what you have previously known.
Additionally, be willing to examine your feelings. Are you truly feeling fear or excitement? Nervous or eagerness? Sometimes our body can feel similar with different “feelings”.
Feeling nervous can cause your body to shake, your hands to sweat, your heart to pound. You can also experience these feelings when you are eager or feel a crush for someone. As humans we decide one is better than the other, yet the body may experience similar “symptoms”.
You get to decide the meaning depending on the lens you choose to view it from.
So ask yourself:
Where am I ready to grow?
Where might you be willing to be a beginner?
Where could you choose growth over familiarity?
Where could you stop shrinking yourself simply to feel comfortable?
And most importantly:
What might become possible if you stopped measuring your worth by how well you compare to others – and started measuring your life by how fully you are willing to experience it?
You don’t have to know exactly where the expansion will lead.
You only have to be willing to take the next step.
“You Are the Change”
With love,
Yvette
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